I just got a letter from Delta Airlines. Pure gobbledygook. Do they teach this in schools? It is apparently the language spoken at Delta. A sterling example of words strung together that say absolutely nothing, but obviously designed with the hope of placating through confusion. Gobbledygook.

I had had a very bad experience flying on one of Delta’s “connection” lines–ComAir–something I now know stands for Comedy Air. And it is a very bad comedy at that–one which I have been observing as a bystander for years, and then was actually caught up in as a most unwilling participant.

I first wrote to Delta to complain that ComAir was one of the root causes for Delta’s many problems. I had had a bad flying experience with them and missed my trans-continental connection, thanks to supreme inefficiency and an unparalleled nonchalant couldn’t-care-less-attitude.

Fortunately for me, the day was partially saved by a super-conscientious Delta agent at the airport of my missed connection. Unfortunately, I included praise for his actions in the same letter to Delta as the complaint about ComAir. Don’t ever do that.

The alleged person (was it really a computer?) at Delta who responded to my letter chose to focus only on the acclaim I accorded the Delta agent who had bailed me out of the ComAir chaos as well as he could. The main point of my complaint about ComAir was totally missed–or ignored. So I wrote again.

Writing again to restate my complaint was, predictably, an exercise in sheer futility, and a perfect opportunity for Delta to send out globs more of their pure gobbledygook–something they do do very well.

“The goodwill of our customers is very important to us, and we treat any report of customer dissatisfaction very seriously.” As a customer, I would like some proof of that, as so far there is absolutely no indication that that statement is anywhere near being true or that my complaint was even read by a real person.

“I have again reviewed your travel experience. I hope you will understand that we do try to compensate fairly based on individual circumstances. The guidelines for these situations are provided to demonstrate our commitment to customer service, rather than to put a specific value on irregularities.” What??? I need a translator. I will pay money to anyone who can come up with a meaning for that gibberish. Pure gobbledygook–again.

“While we regret that we are unable to provide you with an incentive for future travel, we hope that you will allow us an early opportunity to do a better job serving you.” In other words, “Sorry, you lose. Better luck next time…ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

And the parting line, another gobbledygook prizewinner, “We appreciate your taking the time to write us. The opinion of our customers is fundamental to our success in ensuring maximum passenger satisfaction.” What???? This customer was not satisfied in the least and wrote–twice–to tell you exactly that, and you still don’t get it and come back with something as inane as this?

Does anyone wonder at the whys of Delta’s slide into bankruptcy when presented with something as absurd and meaningless as this reply to a complaint?

But wait, it gets even better–or worse. Two weeks after receiving the initial gobbledygook, I received yet another copy of the very same, only this time, enclosed was a ‘transportation credit voucher’ for $75 to be used on Delta or its connections. Looks are deceiving.

I wasn’t aware it was possible to get anywhere on Delta for $75, unless on an super saver special fare, available only online…and, of course, this voucher is not valid for online use.

It’s not at all clear how the voucher could possibly be redeemed, short of going to an airport and presenting it at the Delta counter for some impromptu flight of fancy. Highly unlikely scenario.

And I’m sure that’s just what Delta is counting on–the unlikelihood of anyone figuring out how to redeem this voucher, if in case it actually has any value at all.

Pure gobbledygook, now with a dollar sign attached.

Internet Explorer 6 or older browser detected. This website is functional only in Firefox, Safari, Internet Explorer 7+ and other internet standards compliant browsers. Please visit this site using a current browser.